Self compassion is really a delightful thing: not only is it sweet, it’s also approachable and so gooey-delicious I just want to eat it with a spoon! Self compassion is such a ‘yes’ that it’s almost suspicious. You know, it’s too good to be true. You mean, all I need to do is be gentle with myself and WHAMO! I’m healed?! Where do I sign up?
The truth is, self compassion may be that thing we love to hate. There. I said it. It’s too perfect, too nice, too…compassionate.
What is Self Compassion?
Self compassion is essentially being nice to yourself when times are rough. It’s handling your embarrassment, guilt, uncertainty, body loathing, depression or anxiety with patience, curiosity, & lots of love. Additionally, it is about reminding ourselves that as humans, we feel awful at times and this is part of our journey. Self compassion also means connecting with yourself long enough to see what you need to feel better. Dr. Kristen Neff, the leading expert on self compassion teaches the self compassion break, helping us practice that self love in 3 steps.
So living self compassion is a must. It is the way to regulation, sustainable self-love, gentleness, and ease.
Yet, it’s really hard to be nice to oneself and doesn’t always feel natural.
Self Compassion barriers
Oftentimes, we worry that if we are gentle with ourselves, we will somehow enter a life of laziness and/or naivety. So instead, we crack our whips so that we stay motivated and on top of any perceived shortcomings.
Not only that, but when we try a little self kindness, we feel just, kind of silly. I mean, who says this sweet, kind stuff to themselves?
We worry we’ll go soft. Additionally, it starts to feel inauthentic, scripted, so we let it go in favor of the default: a heartless relationship with ourselves.
While I get that these barriers are the real thing, I will also tell you that it is still possible to be compassionate with one’s sweet self, and feel just fine with it.
What I know about self compassion:
- Self compassion is cheesy-sounding not because it’s wrong, but because it’s so different. So maybe it’s a teeny bit embarrassing at first, but like learning a new dance move, it starts to become very cool & second nature once you know it.
- Self compassion can sound a lot of different ways: There are many shades of self compassion. While the traditional ‘this is deep suffering and it hurts, what do I need right now’ is fairly fundamental, if that’s not your jam, say something different! Don’t let the lingo hold you back from using self compassion. Some examples might be: ‘this is my nightmare and I want out. I just want to be alone for a bit’; ‘I feel horrible and I want my mom right now, I’m going to give her a call’; ‘there are zero words to express how bad this feels and it scares me that I’ll never be free of these thoughts, I just want to snuggle my dog for a bit.’ See? It’s normal human language (not weird therapy language 😉
- Self compassion can be called many things: If you feel averse to the term ‘self compassion,’ try on other names for it that better suit you. Some examples could be: nurturing me, loving myself, reclaiming my power, listening, taking a pause, stepping aside, gifting myself, connecting with me. See? So many!!!
- Check and see how your compassion for others is trending: Sometimes, self compassion is tricky because we can lack the ability to go slowly and curiously with others. Are you patient or a bulldozer? Do you find yourself being curious or do you know all the answers? Can you listen to others or do you only hear your to-do list in your head when someone is telling you about their day? See if you can exercise your compassion muscle. Once that feels toned, take it to yourself.
- Compassion for others can be easier than compassion for self: While you’re exercising your compassion muscle, notice what you do & say to support a loved human in your life who is suffering. I’m guessing you’d let them know that you are so very sorry they are hurting right now and, by the way, what could you do to help? Just notice what you do for others in the compassion department. See if you can bring that goodness to you.
- Self compassion takes time to learn: We need to unearth it: while it’s certainly in our bodies to be compassionate, it can sometimes get lost along the way. Life, right? We instead favor the 24-7 grind, the solution-focused, insta-feel good prepackaged kind of stuff. In that world, self compassion feels a bit like we are babying ourselves, or taking too long to feel better. Be patient with your learning process. Find a pace that invites going slowly enough to recognize you are feeling some difficult things. Next, let that recognition be easy and non-judgmental. Finally, take a moment to soothe yourself: a breath, a hand on your heart, a gentle sigh. Repeat.
It’s all so possible. Give it a shot.
Try journaling or reflecting on the following questions:
What is one way you can be warmer to yourself today?
What does your self-compassion sound like?
What are other things you call self-compassion?
